Don't Lie to Yourself
13 min readDon't Lie to Yourself
Why my students are terrified of three small words
Above all, don’t lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to such a pass that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love, and in order to occupy and distract himself without love he gives way to passions and coarse pleasures, and sinks to bestiality in his vices, all from continual lying to other men and to himself. The man who lies to himself can be more easily offended than any one. You know it is sometimes very pleasant to take offense, isn’t it? A man may know that nobody has insulted him, but that he has invented the insult for himself, has lied and exaggerated to make it picturesque, has caught at a word and made a mountain out of a molehill—he knows that himself, yet he will be the first to take offense, and will revel in his resentment till he feels great pleasure in it, and so pass to genuine vindictiveness.”
The Warning on My Wall
I keep this specific quote pinned to the top of my WeChat Moments. It is a warning from a 19th-century Russian guy named Dostoevsky. Most people scroll past it. They think it’s about deep, dark, adult corruption—politicians, criminals, broken souls. But they’re wrong. Dostoevsky wasn't writing about grand villains.
He was writing about the 10-year-old sitting in the third row of my classroom.
The Performance Art of "Understanding"
Miracles do happen. As rare as miracles happen.
The scene is always the same. It’s not a dialogue; it’s a hostage situation.
Apologies. I actually have a student named Kevin who is extremely talented and does not seem to suffer from these symptoms.
I finish explaining a concept. The air in the room is heavy, recycled, and thick with anxiety. I turn to a student—let's call him Kevin. Kevin is bright, well-dressed, and currently vibrating with cortisol.
I ask, "Kevin, does that make sense?"
To be completely honest, I sometimes have to suppress the urge to tear that mask to shreds. It is hard not to see it as a sad reassembly of shit parents and shit culture.
Kevin doesn't just nod. He performs the nod. It’s a frantic, bobblehead motion, his eyes wide and unblinking, a plastered smile that doesn’t reach his soul. He looks like he’s trying to convince a border guard that he’s not smuggling fruit.
I push gently. "Are you sure? It’s okay if you don’t get it. Do you have any questions?"
Yup.
And there it is. The glitch in the matrix.
You can see the terror flush through his system. The sheer biological impossibility of admitting a gap in his data. He physically cannot open his mouth and form the sounds for "I don't know." He would rather die on this hill of ignorance than admit he isn't already standing at the summit.
They really do try.
It’s not just shyness. It’s a survival reflex. He is rewriting reality in real-time. If I nod hard enough, the confusion will go away.
The Diagnosis: Shame Culture vs. Reality
Why do they do this? Because in their world, Ignorance is not a starting point; it is a moral failing.
Don't be so sensitive. I'm not trying to start an East vs. West ideology war here.
This is where Dostoevsky meets modern sociology. We are operating in a Shame Culture, not a Guilt Culture.
Guilt Culture says: "I did something wrong." (My action was bad).
Shame Culture says: "I am wrong." (My self is defective).
If Kevin admits he is confused, he doesn't just lose points; he loses Face. He exposes a defect in the product line. So, the child learns early on that the goal of school isn't to learn (which requires admitting you don't know), but to perform competence.
They are building a "false self" that understands everything, gets all A's, and makes Mom happy. The "real self"—the one that is confused, curious, and human—gets locked in the basement.
A Slow Clap for the Parents
And honestly? I can’t even blame Kevin. He’s just the actor. I blame the directors.
Keep Calm and Keep Reading.
Yes, I’m talking to the parents. I look at you guys and I have to laugh, because if I don’t, I’ll scream. You are all running around in this collective hallucination, terrified that your child will fall behind, yet you are the ones breaking their legs before the race starts.
To the "Copy-Paste" Parents: You look at what the neighbor’s kid is doing and you blindly Ctrl+C, Ctrl+V that misery onto your own child. "Oh, Little Wang is doing Advanced Calculus at age 7? Well, get in the car, Kevin!" No critical thought, just blind panic. You are optimizing your children for a world that hasn't existed since 1990.
To the "Trauma Dump" Parents: This is my favorite category. You hated the pressure when you were kids. You know how toxic and miserable the society is. You complain about the "Rat Race" at dinner parties. And then? You go home and beat the rat to make it run faster. "I suffered, so you must suffer to survive." It’s a generational trauma relay race, and you refuse to drop the baton.
Facts.
You think you are hardening them for the real world? You aren't. You are teaching them that Image is more important than Substance. You are teaching them that the appearance of competence is better than the messiness of learning.
The Trajectory: How to Build a Miserable Adult
Actually, i don't think they'll even make it to the couch.
Let’s play this tape forward. I want you to see where this "lying to yourself" actually leads. It doesn't lead to a CEO office; it leads to a therapist’s couch.
Age 10: He lies about understanding Math to avoid shame. He learns that "faking it" brings relief, while "honesty" brings pain. This is Cognitive Dissonance weaponized against his own brain.
Age 20: He lies about his interests to pick a "safe" major. He spends four years studying something he hates, nodding his head at professors he doesn't understand, terrified of being exposed as a fraud. Imposter Syndrome sets in like concrete.
Age 30: He is now the man Dostoevsky warned us about. He "cannot distinguish the truth within him." When his boss gives him feedback, he doesn't hear "help"; he hears "insult." He becomes easily offended. He becomes bitter.
Age 40: He is hollow. He has spent decades protecting a "Face" that masks a vacuum. He has no curiosity, because curiosity requires admitting you don't know something. He has no joy, because joy requires vulnerability.
He is "successful" on paper, and absolutely dead inside. He becomes the "Old Clown" Fyodor Karamazov—resentful, confused, and terrified of the very truth that could set him free.
The Future Doesn't Care About Your "Face"
Look, I’m cynical, but I have a lot of love for this messy, terrifying world. I want these kids to win.
But we are staring down the barrel of the Singularity. We are building AI that can pass every test, fake every emotion, and generate every answer you want in milliseconds.
If you raise a child to be a "Perfect Answer Machine," you are raising them to be obsolete. ChatGPT is already a better liar than Kevin is.
The only competitive advantage a human being has left is the ability to look at a complex, messy problem and say: "Wait. I don't get this. Something feels wrong. Let's figure it out."
That friction—that moment of honest confusion—is where innovation happens. It’s where truth lives.
So, please. Let’s stop applauding the "Yes." Let’s start throwing a party for the "I Don't Know."
Because if we don't, we aren't raising leaders. We're just raising very polite, very anxious clowns.
